Two of the best things to come from trees are almonds and bananas. The best thing to come from trees are Talking Three Toed Sloths. I had the good fortune of running into a well-groomed gentleman sloth named Devin at a shisha bar the other day, and he shared with me this delicious recipe.
Recipe:
Ingredients
1 medium handful of raw almonds
1 medium banana Directions
Open the banana. Use a “well-made” banana and open it using the “normal” method, which leaves your hand making contact with the banana peel and allowing the banana innards to make contact with the imbibing orifice.
Insert a few almonds into said orifice.
Chew.
Taste.
Swallow.
Calories: About 210.
Awesomeness: Variable, for this reporter, a 9.8 out of 10! Warning: This recipe may contain tree nuts, or ingredients processed in the same facility that handles tree nuts. If you have tree nut allergies, you may experience a reaction just reading this article, and this article should probably not be read.
People all over the world have been enjoying pizza for years. Although now it is considered a decidedly American food, it has origins in Europe and many national variations. Every war since the 19th century has had an annual unofficial Pizza for Peace Day (or Pizza pour la Jour de Paix), where fighters lay down their arms and join each other for a hot slice. Genghis Khan probably would have succeeded in wiping out more than just Persia if it wasn’t for his becoming fat and lazy after discovering pizza in his attempted Mediterranean conquests. Anthropologists and archeologists are currently working to prove a theory that Pompeii only exploded because a group of Neapolitans operating out of Salerno tried to tap into the volcano to create massive pizza ovens.
Pizza consumption has seen explosive increases worldwide since the 1970s. Until recently, that is. In 2004, the World Health Organization (WHO) saw a dramatic downturn in overall pizza sales growth, and since 2007 sales have actually been decreasing. What is behind this dramatic change? Some blame the liberal media’s obesity epidemic claims, others blame the influx of new franchises in abandoned Pizza Hut buildings, such as Chutney Hut. Foodenator’s own studies found quite another cause, however. In scientific polling, we found that people had simply grown bored with the “standard” pizza toppings. Working with grassroots and paramilitary groups, Foodenator activists began trying to stymie the pizza sales downturn by marketing new toppings: Buffalo Chicken, Pesto, and Margherita style pizzas. But this only slowed the bleeding. Fortunately, Pineappleope Research and Development teams got an early look at the data and were able to begin research on the next “Killer Topping” in the pizza world: fire. Later this summer, fire based toppings will begin to be offered alongside pepperoni and nutmeg at Bertucci’s and Dominos, and we expect fire-based toppings to be picked up independent pizza parlors across the world. PAO R&D shares went up an amazing 111 points this quarter, with further trading expecting it to cause a stock split and make investors jump up and down.
While no clinical trials or scientific data yet exists, anecdotal evidence supports the theory that as little as one Sonoran Hot Dog can cause earlobe cancers to go into immediate and complete remission. Foodenator sent a team of Food Scientists down to Arizona to put the theory to the test. The team descended on El Quero Canelo at 5201 S. 12th Ave in Tucson, Arizona at 6:46pm. Two of the researchers ordered Sonoran Hot Dogs, while the control group ordered items off the non-weiner menu.
What is a Sonoran Hot Dog?
Subject 1 (Group A): One Sonoran Style Hot Dog, uno Coca Cola hecho en mexico, and an order of Flan with Flan Juice to wash it down.
Subject 2 (Group A): Sammy Dog and Horchata
Subject 3 (Group B): Pollo Tacos
Subject 4 (Group B): Carne Asada Carmelos, Flan with Flan Nectar, and Jarritos.
Food results: Sonoran Hot Dogs are delicious!
Therapeutic results: After dining, no incidence of earlobe cancer was found in Group A. Group B did not develop any earlobe cancer related conditions, so we can safely conclude that there is no Second-Hand Sonoran Style cancer risks. What did we prove? That science is delicious!
Here at Foodenator, we’ve decided there is NOTHING fun about fun size candy. Fun just means cheap-ass. Seriously. Here’s our analysis of a Fun Size M&M bag..
To this gal.. YELLOW is fun. The rest are too goddamn serious. Screw you, M&Ms.
In case you miss that stuff Coke was peddling a couple of years ago, Foodenator chemists have been working on reverse engineering (also known as revenging) the formula. After spending hundreds of thousands of dollars and 11 months, it turns out the solution is quite simple.
Take one can of coke, drink or pour about half of it off.
Add one package of Crystal Light tea-to-go mixture. Let it fizz and foam so that you don’t overflow on the next step.
Pour in some cold coffee to top off the can.
Walla! You know have Coke Blak and don’t need to search of it on the Black Market or order it from suspicious Chinese websites.
Swedish meatballs may be the mainstay at the Ikea cafeteria, but the flat-pack furniture chain is branching out.
Next month, Ikea will hold five free cooking classes with well-known chefs as part of a marketing campaign with Family Circle, Mediaweek reports.
Food University Presented by Family Circle will stop at Ikeas in Seattle (Oct. 20, Caprial Pence), Costa Mesa, Calif. (Oct. 22, Katie Chin), Tempe, Ariz. (Oct. 28, Claudine Pepin), Sunrise, Fla. (Nov. 3, Oliver Saucy) and College Park, Md. (Nov. 5, Mary Ann Esposito) for two-hour seminars that promise an introduction to ingredients, tips on entertaining and spicing up a menu as well as healthy family recipes.
1 pk Frozen french fry potatoes,
-thawed (20 oz)
2 c Shredded Cheddar cheese
2 c Sour cream
1 cn Condensed cream of chicken
-soup (10 3/4 oz)
1 cn SPAM Luncheon Meat, cubed
-(12 oz)
1/2 c Chopped red bell pepper
1/2 c Chopped green onion
1/2 c Finely crushed corn flakes
Heat oven to 350′F. In large bowl, combine potatoes, cheese, sour cream, and soup. Stir in SPAM, bell pepper, and green onion. Spoon into 13×9″ baking dish. Sprinkle with crushed flakes.
Bake 30-40 minutes or until thoroughly heated.
Hint – to make it “Animal Style” – add mayo. Lots.
Swedish meatballs may be the mainstay at the Ikea cafeteria, but the flat-pack furniture chain is branching out.
Yield: 8 servings