Foodenator

Tired of hard butter? Tired of stanky butter? Now you can leave your butter on the counter without it getting all funky dunky! Check out the Butterbell – butter storage based on ancient French tradition.

Popularity: 5%

This is what happens to kids whose parents do not provide sugar cereals as a part of childhood. Now I am a monster… monster mixes:

1/3 cup Sweetened Condensed Milk

2 15 oz. cans of Fruit Cocktail

3 Maraschino Cherries

The monster fills a bowl 1/3 full of ambrosia mixture. Season with Fruity Pebbles to taste. If being served to children under 10, serve with sugar bowl and large spoon.

Popularity: 19%

Around foodenator labs, we have calorie laden bowls of candy around to keep the twin evils of oral boredom and low blood sugar at bay. While the Lindt truffles are a clear favorite in the pure chocolate department, when those are gone foodenator staff fight and bicker for the small squares of Dove chocolate. Apparantly, the collapse of the global economy has even the well-funded foodenator human services department making cutbacks. Appearing in our candy bowls is the obvious knock-off chocolate squares called Bliss. Foodenator found a blind man to hire two blind judges to judge them for you in what is commonly known as a double-blind clinical trial.

Ray “Fats” Falone:

The Dove was better, the Bliss tasted like a salt-lick, I think.  I have never partook of no salt-lick, that is how the Bliss seemed to taste to me. On the other hoof, dove is a dry, potent, flavor-blast of a disco in my throat as I swallow the chocolate.

Theresa Coon:

The Bliss chocolate had a honey badger taste, with a hint of hibiscus. The Dove tasted pretty much like chocolate. If I were going to melt it down, and drizzle it over my large, shapely breasts, I would have to go with Dove.

Popularity: 10%

Juice boxes!
Of 50 proof whiskey!
With a demon on the front!!!
Aint no Capri, son.

********** (PERFECT 10!)

Popularity: 19%

We here at Foodenator believe in two things: food, and being sexy. And sexy people watch other sexy people for ideas on becoming sexier. So we bring you an important new column: Dining with Celebrities. Foodenator caught up with sultry sex symbol Angelina Jolie Saturday morning in Santa Clara, where she was feeding a horse carrots and apples. We asked he why she didn’t feed the horse the last apple. Apparently, that apple is an important part of her diet. What does the Tomb Raider eat in the morning to keep her body lithe and toned? Given her penchant for adopting young children, you might be surprised to learn that Smoked Baby Clams and an apple are her breakfast of choice. Read the rest of this entry »

Popularity: 32%

This week, foodenator reviews Not Eating, also known as fasting or anorexia. Every night, millions of people practice Not Eating during a period of reduced consciousness, and perhaps you do too. Many people around the world suffer from famine or starvation, that is not what foodenator is reviewing. Overall, we have found Not Eating to be relatively tasteless. Calorie intake was very low however, and you could classify Not Eating as a Lite food. Service was excellent, and Not Eating is available almost anywhere there is not food. Still, we found the experience to be lacking, and we would write more about the negatives except we are all feeling too weak.

*** (out of 10)

Foodenator General’s Warning: People on medications should continue to take them while enjoying Not Eating. Do not stop taking your medication without advice from your doctor.

Popularity: 19%

Today an excellent lunch was nearly ruined by this obnoxious and foul beverage. Our seasoned diet soda drinker, JR Wyndham-Sweetwater, said that this particular soda failed even to have the correct aspartame taste, and no lime taste was detected at all. “While it may boast new graphics, the taste of this diet soft drink is very rank, or as they say in Gay Paris, ranque.” Don’t be fooled. Thank the gods you read Foodenator.

Popularity: 19%

When reviewing food for as discerning an audience as Foodenator’s, it is very important to correctly identify and correlate the actual food with the review being written. As a Foodenator critic, I would not want to write a review for Cousin Franco’s new lunch bistro while eating a sandwich purchased at SubGiant. It wouldn’t be fair to Cousin Franco or to Aunt Bottomtooth. In this case, I can’t even tell you what kind of apple this is. Gala? McIntosh? Hard to tell. So I am not going to review this apple. Instead I am going to draw all of you Foodenators into a vicious debate on the merits of neutering fruit.

This apple was carefully and deliciously dissected by underpaid Foodenator lab techs. No seeds were found. We looked on the outside, like you would find on a strawberry. No dice. No seeds either. We dove deeper, below the skin if you will. By the time we reached the core, morale has high. Surely we would spot seeds or seedsign. Our lead food engineer postulated the existence of “dark anti-seeds” that could indicate the location of the elusive seeds. But even analysis by gas chromatograph and magnifying glass could not locate any sexual organs whatsoever on this fruit. Obviously this fruit had been neutered at some point. The investigation continues… stay tuned.

Apple: ******** 8 (out of 10)
Neutered Fruit: * 1 (out of 10)

Popularity: 57%