Foodenator

Two of the best things to come from trees are almonds and bananas. The best thing to come from trees are Talking Three Toed Sloths. I had the good fortune of running into a well-groomed gentleman sloth named Devin at a shisha bar the other day, and he shared with me this delicious recipe.
Recipe:

Ingredients
1 medium handful of raw almonds
1 medium banana
Directions
Open the banana. Use a “well-made” banana and open it using the “normal” method, which leaves your hand making contact with the banana peel and allowing the banana innards to make contact with the imbibing orifice.
Insert a few almonds into said orifice.
Chew.
Taste.
Swallow.

Calories: About 210.
Awesomeness: Variable, for this reporter, a 9.8 out of 10!
Warning: This recipe may contain tree nuts, or ingredients processed in the same facility that handles tree nuts. If you have tree nut allergies, you may experience a reaction just reading this article, and this article should probably not be read.

Popularity: 24%

This drink is perfect for a hot summer night when the left over pabst blue ribbon from last weekend in your refrigerator will just not do the trick.

1 bottle of Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum

1 Bottle of Orange Juice

1 can of  Sprite

Fill your cup with ice and add 2 shots of Captain Morgan.  Next fill the glass about 3/4 of the way with orange juice and finish the glass off with sprite.  Stire & Enjoy! 

Popularity: 36%

This is what happens to kids whose parents do not provide sugar cereals as a part of childhood. Now I am a monster… monster mixes:

1/3 cup Sweetened Condensed Milk

2 15 oz. cans of Fruit Cocktail

3 Maraschino Cherries

The monster fills a bowl 1/3 full of ambrosia mixture. Season with Fruity Pebbles to taste. If being served to children under 10, serve with sugar bowl and large spoon.

Popularity: 15%

Foodenator reporters reported that the latest victim of Japan’s recession is round, sweet and famous for being shockingly expensive. The Yubari, the sensual melons that are considered an aphrodisiac to the Japanese people.

The first two Yubari melons of the season were auctioned Friday in northern Japan and fetched $5,200. $5,200 can buy you tons better stuff, you say? Well, there is nothing better than a fresh Yubari, the “world’s swankiest melon.”

Popularity: 4%

Could this really happen?

Popularity: 15%

When reviewing food for as discerning an audience as Foodenator’s, it is very important to correctly identify and correlate the actual food with the review being written. As a Foodenator critic, I would not want to write a review for Cousin Franco’s new lunch bistro while eating a sandwich purchased at SubGiant. It wouldn’t be fair to Cousin Franco or to Aunt Bottomtooth. In this case, I can’t even tell you what kind of apple this is. Gala? McIntosh? Hard to tell. So I am not going to review this apple. Instead I am going to draw all of you Foodenators into a vicious debate on the merits of neutering fruit.

This apple was carefully and deliciously dissected by underpaid Foodenator lab techs. No seeds were found. We looked on the outside, like you would find on a strawberry. No dice. No seeds either. We dove deeper, below the skin if you will. By the time we reached the core, morale has high. Surely we would spot seeds or seedsign. Our lead food engineer postulated the existence of “dark anti-seeds” that could indicate the location of the elusive seeds. But even analysis by gas chromatograph and magnifying glass could not locate any sexual organs whatsoever on this fruit. Obviously this fruit had been neutered at some point. The investigation continues… stay tuned.

Apple: ******** 8 (out of 10)
Neutered Fruit: * 1 (out of 10)

Popularity: 44%

Recently, the nation’s hottest lounges having been serving a panty-dropping nectar of the stars: [Elixir] MTN Dew Gin Splash Oj. ‘legit’ you may say, and we agree. served stirred and not shaken (nor shook), slighty carbonated drops of adventure splashing in citrus make for a good-time, so the experts. get popular at your next good time with some [Elixir] MTN Dew Gin Splash Oj.

Popularity: 25%

Pineapples. One of the top tasting fruits in history. The Flavor of Aloha. Some of the best pineapples are grown in rich volcanic soil with warm tropical rainfall, and kissed with Hawaiian sunshine.

********** 10 (out of 10)

Popularity: 1%