Foodenator Labs, Inc, recently got their sticky fingers on an upcoming breakthrough snack from Nabisco. Code named “Ass Kickers” – the product is standard Cheez-Its infused with fresh cracked black pepper – a blend of Malabar and Tellicherry peppercorns. The spokesperson we talked to explains, “the beauty of the snack is not the pepper-cheese combination, its the salt-pepper combo that brings people back to their basic spice desire.”

Our food scientists were so excited about the new release that they came up with their own recipe. See below..

Ass Kicker Cheez-Its - pepper infused cheesey goodness!

Ass-Kicker Cheez-Its
Ingredients:

Pepper

Instructions:
Place crackers on a plate or cutting board. Add pepper.

Foodenator has searched Far and Wide to uncover the BEST CHEX MIX RECIPE ever. Yeah, there are alot of people that claim theirs is the best – but this is the actual best, best, best. Its got bacon fat – therefore, it is the best.

Ingredients

SEASONING MIX

• 1 lb bacon
• 1/2 cup butter – aka two sticks
• 2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1/2 teaspoon onion powder
• 1/2 teaspoon celery salt
• 1/4 teaspoon ground sage
• 1/2 teaspoon Lawry’s Seasoned Salt, to taste
• 4 dashes Tabasco sauce, to taste

THE DRY MIX

• 2 cups dry roasted peanuts – though honey roasted may be better
• 1 cup busted-ass cashew pieces
• 2 cups small pretzels – any format
• 5 cups Corn Chex
• 3 cups Rice Chex
• 1 cup Wheat Chex (or not – might be too healthy)
• 2 cups Cheerios toasted oat cereal
• 1 cup cheez-its or other cheesey snack

Directions

1. Fry up the bacon until it’s nice and crisp.
2. Then place the cooked bacon in a container and save for later – it’s the leftover drippings you want, fatty!
3. Pre-heat the oven to 250 degrees F.
4. Melt the butter and bacon drippings together in a saucepan, then stir in the seasonings to make a nice, spicey – bacony – buttery goop.
5. In a very large bowl or cauldron, combine the mix ingredients.
6. Gradually stir in the buttery seasoning mix until the dry mix is evenly coated.
7. Spread thinly on cookie sheets and bake for 1 hour, messing it up every 15 minutes.
8. Spread on paper towels to cool.
9. Store in airtight container.
10. Makes about 14 cups Chex mix snack.

Peanut Butter Pretzel is never a bad combo

Today on Foodenator, we review the Clif Mojo – Sweet and Salty Trail Mix Bar, in Peanut Butter Pretzel form. Clif Bars are widely known to be better tasting than Power Bars, but at the same time, less powerful. For unknown reasons, Clif branched out into the Mojo world, in which they combined “sweet and salty” flavors rather than their normal recipe of “sweet and kinda-gross”.

The bar itself is thinner, longer, and more slender. Nutrition wise, it does not appear to be up to snuff with the Clif Bar. Not quite as many vitamins and a bit more fat. It feels lighter too – “less brick-like” said one taster. It makes this writer fear that the Mojo will not be sufficient for a breakfast food. Upon tearing open the packaging, we were pleased visually. Little peanut butter chips, real pretzels, and a nice sugary shine, glistening under a florescent aura.

Real pretzel, and look at all those peanut butter chips!

First bite – GOOD. Very GOOD. Like.. really, good. Better than any Clif Bar, Power Bar, Luna Bar, and possibly better than every granola bar ever made. Except for Nature’s Valley Sweet and Salty Nut bars, those are really good. This borders candybar and healthybar like a Mexican in South Texas. Risky, and we can’t figure out which way its supposed to go.

Minutes later, the bar is gone. Its sustainability? Bad. Its too tasty, gets eaten too fast. Being light and crispy, sweet and salty, its hard to stop eating. Taste is good all the way through. No weird after taste. No soy detected, in fact – if it’s there, its hidden nicely.

This reviewer grants the Clif Mojo a solid 9 our of 10 fist pumps. Stay tuned for some live blog after effects!

UPDATE – 9/08/09

Clif Mojo Mixed Nuts just consumed. Tastes nuttier. More nuts are evident in this snack bar. Still pretzels, which is curious as pretzels are not nuts. Texture in this mobility activated mega high resolution food photo prove the evidence of nuts and pretzels together. Note, also, how there is a severely different texture and color compared to the Peanut Butter Pretzel above. Less peanut butteryness, we suspect, as there was no discussion of peanut butter on the wrappackaging.

A concerning fact about this Mixed Nuts bar, and possibly all Mojo bars, is the fact that it is only 70% organic!! You can see the proof in another high resolution photo. If 30% is not organic, does that mean its rocks and shit? The reviewer tasted  no rocks, and did not break any teeth – so this is an investigation to be continued. Stay tuned for more information, as well as a Honey Roasted Peanut flavor review down the road.

This drink is perfect for a hot summer night when the left over pabst blue ribbon from last weekend in your refrigerator will just not do the trick.

1 bottle of Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum

1 Bottle of Orange Juice

1 can of  Sprite

Fill your cup with ice and add 2 shots of Captain Morgan.  Next fill the glass about 3/4 of the way with orange juice and finish the glass off with sprite.  Stire & Enjoy! 

Everyone knows that guys love bacon so why not smack some on your lips to become more kissable? 

Or you could always go for the more forward approach and just make a bacon bra.  Oh the wonders of pork, the other white meat…

Comfortable yet affordable

This is what happens to kids whose parents do not provide sugar cereals as a part of childhood. Now I am a monster… monster mixes:

1/3 cup Sweetened Condensed Milk

2 15 oz. cans of Fruit Cocktail

3 Maraschino Cherries

The monster fills a bowl 1/3 full of ambrosia mixture. Season with Fruity Pebbles to taste. If being served to children under 10, serve with sugar bowl and large spoon.

Around foodenator labs, we have calorie laden bowls of candy around to keep the twin evils of oral boredom and low blood sugar at bay. While the Lindt truffles are a clear favorite in the pure chocolate department, when those are gone foodenator staff fight and bicker for the small squares of Dove chocolate. Apparantly, the collapse of the global economy has even the well-funded foodenator human services department making cutbacks. Appearing in our candy bowls is the obvious knock-off chocolate squares called Bliss. Foodenator found a blind man to hire two blind judges to judge them for you in what is commonly known as a double-blind clinical trial.

Ray “Fats” Falone:

The Dove was better, the Bliss tasted like a salt-lick, I think.  I have never partook of no salt-lick, that is how the Bliss seemed to taste to me. On the other hoof, dove is a dry, potent, flavor-blast of a disco in my throat as I swallow the chocolate.

Theresa Coon:

The Bliss chocolate had a honey badger taste, with a hint of hibiscus. The Dove tasted pretty much like chocolate. If I were going to melt it down, and drizzle it over my large, shapely breasts, I would have to go with Dove.

Bored with the same old greasy potato chips?  Craving something salty that will leave a sticky mess on your fingers?

 
Ingredients:
-Butter
-Cheerios
-Hidden Valley powder ranch

1. Melt a few tablespoons of butter in a frying pan

5. With about 30 seconds left add in some Hidden Valley powder ranch, stir and pour into a bowl before the ranch burns

 
** Also great with powdered cheddar, sour cream & onion or salt.

I have recently attended events ranging from cocktail parties, inaugural balls and the office break room fiesta where they were serving Ants on a Log. I have often wondered how to make this complex snack food. After months of testing different recipes, the staff at Foodenator has devised the perfect Ants on a Log recipe.

1. Select a fresh crisp batch of celery and cut into 6 inch long pieces
2. Spread a layer of peanut butter down the middle of the celery
3. Top off with raisin for the “ant” effect
4. Place on your best silver platter and serve with white gloves

Foodenator eats more than it is possible to eat. This occurs often when eating pistachios. Foodenator does not hold a pistachio eating Guinness Record, yet. How does foodenator view pistachios

Pistachios require a little bit of work from the eater. Foodenator doesn’t find that appealing in a food. But all the work pays off in the end. During most pistachio openings, a pistachio nut is discovered. These pistachio nuts have a very refined taste. A pistachio is a really solid nut.

********* 9 (out of 10)