Foodenator

People all over the world have been enjoying pizza for years. Although now it is considered a decidedly American food, it has origins in Europe and many national variations. Every war since the 19th century  has had an annual unofficial Pizza for Peace Day (or Pizza pour la Jour de Paix), where fighters lay down their arms and join each other for a hot slice. Genghis Khan probably would have succeeded in wiping out more than just Persia if it wasn’t for his becoming fat and lazy after discovering pizza in his attempted Mediterranean conquests. Anthropologists and archeologists are currently working to prove a theory that Pompeii only exploded because a group of Neapolitans operating out of Salerno tried to tap into the volcano to create massive pizza ovens.

Pizza consumption has seen explosive increases worldwide since the 1970s. Until recently, that is. In 2004, the World Health Organization (WHO) saw a dramatic downturn in overall pizza sales growth, and since 2007 sales have actually been decreasing. What is behind this dramatic change? Some blame the liberal media’s obesity epidemic claims, others blame the influx of new franchises in abandoned Pizza Hut buildings, such as Chutney Hut. Foodenator’s own studies found quite another cause, however. In scientific polling, we found that people had simply grown bored with the “standard” pizza toppings. Working with grassroots and paramilitary groups, Foodenator activists began trying to stymie the pizza sales downturn by marketing new toppings: Buffalo Chicken, Pesto, and Margherita style pizzas. But this only slowed the bleeding. Fortunately, Pineappleope Research and Development teams got an early look at the data and were able to begin research on the next “Killer Topping” in the pizza world: fire. Later this summer, fire based toppings will begin to be offered alongside pepperoni and nutmeg at Bertucci’s and Dominos, and we expect fire-based toppings to be picked up independent pizza parlors across the world. PAO R&D shares went up an amazing 111 points this quarter, with further trading expecting it to cause a stock split and make investors jump up and down.

PAO R&D Senior Vice President Anthony Crabcarrier made the following statement outside of Pineappleope world headquarters yesterday: “Fire based toppings should be able to raise pizza sales and foster continued growth in the industry. But we don’t intend to stop there. We are busy working on frozen variations of the Flaming Pizza for sale in supermarkets. But we aren’t focusing just on pizza. We are also seeing promising data from our tests of new Fire Jimmies, which might be able to foster the same type of growth in the stagnant soft-serve sector.” Mr. Crabcarrier went on to caution that due to rigorous FDA regulations, it might be more than a year before these new products can hit the market. So don’t go crazy buying up Dairy Queen stock just yet.

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